Many months have passed since my last recap for June and July. Just when I thought we reached half year point during that time, it’s already end of the year now. Many events had happened in these few months, especially in September. I actually had trouble putting my thoughts down when I was in grief. I lost my dearest grandma in September, on the very same day that I collected my students’ final exam scripts for grading. I was supposed to spend that weekend for grading papers but in the end, I spent those grieving days in her funeral. It’s very painful. I still can’t think about her without shedding tears. So you can just imagine I’m actually crying silently while writing this post, hoping the husband doesn’t notice I’m crying (I really don’t want him to worry! But I just cannot hold my tears).
I have thought for many times about writing this post, hoping it could help me in passing my grieving stage. After 2 months, I still couldn’t think about her without tears and regrets. Regret which I didn’t make it back on time before I could see her one more time. Regret that I didn’t spend enough time with her before her passing because I was too busy with the semester on-going and our move to the new home. My original plan was to go back to visit her just after the grading weekend and I regret I couldn’t make it. I simply have so many regrets that at some points of time I really hate myself. Why I wasn’t given more times?
Why losing my grandma has such great impact on me? To tell the truth, I was never close with my parents. I was sent to be raised by my grandparents when I was a baby and I literally stayed with my grandparents until I was 18 (though my parents were always present during my growing up years) and was ready for college. My grandma was the world to me and now I feel I have lost a big chunk of my heart. Although the husband has been great in providing me shoulders to cry on, I still think I have problem to let go of my grief and at times I can only try to numb myself by getting busy with simply anything that demands my attention. I was successful sometimes and life still goes on. I wonder if I still need more times or this stage will never pass.
Anyway, I guess this is it. The end for my 2017. Hope 2018 will be a better one for everyone. I also hope I have better things to write and share in 2018. Until then…see you next year.
Jenn's Studious Life 
Dear Jenn, I am sorry to hear that your grandma passed. I send you my deepest condolences and wish you have all the time and space and support you need now. I was also raised by my grandmother and she is currently in hospital getting some pre-surgery tests done for a heart problem. It has been confronting for the first time to really think about the possibility of one day not having her in my life, it’s hard to even imagine it. Being raised by your grandma I am sure your grief is felt very deeply partly because of how present and I imagine influential she has been in your life. I find grief to be very personal and that we all experience it in unique ways. I wish you good healing in your own way and in your own time. Sending you my best wishes, Carmel
Dear Carmel,
First of all, sorry for my late reply. Thank you for your great message and I really appreciate that. I pray that your grandma is well and you have many more years to spend with her. Returning my best wishes to you too.
Dear Jenn,
I am very, very sorry to hear about your grief. I think that there is too much expectation in society that we will ‘move on’ quickly. That’s not always possible. Sometimes it is better to face our pain and allow those sad feelings to manifest themselves. If we bury them, they will resurface sooner or later. So, don’t rush it.
As for feeling guilty that you did not make time to visit her, maybe you could try and channel that into something positive*. For instance, taking the time to do something that you know she would make her feel very proud / happy?! Or maybe, do something so that others can spend time with their loved ones and do not find themselves feeling the same kind of guilt?!
Lots of hugs from your virtual friend, Ana
Dear Ana,
Thank you for being my virtual friend. Thank you for your continuous support in so many ways. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much.